Updated: Dec 16, 2021
EVER WONDERED, “AM I CODEPENDENT?” TAKE THE THREE QUESTION CODEPENDENCY QUIZ:
Are you constantly frustrated or angry about your partner's inability to make changes?
Do you believe that your relationship problems would be resolved if your partner changed?
Do you feel that it is difficult for you to be happy because of the things your partner does or does not do?
If you answered "yes" to all three questions in the codependence quiz, it is quite possible that you have a problem with it.
Are you constantly arguing with your partner because he goes out for a beer with his friends on Friday? That he's still on the phone? Doesn't help you at home?
Do you honestly believe that if your partner changed, you would finally be happy?
You are tense like a string and waiting for what else he will forget or he will not do. Are you constantly checking on him where he was, with whom, what was he doing? As a precaution, you are preparing another scenario in your head, what will happen next. You don't believe him and you still remind him of it.
Your partner probably agrees with you on certain things, but it still works fine for him. He thinks he's a normal guy, and you are the problem because nothing can make you happy. He doesn't want to share your plan with his life, which he finds controlling.
But the problem is, you don't want the guy you have, you want the one you think he could be.
The main myth of interdependence
"I need you to be certain way, so I can be happy."
People who have codependent tendencies put a great deal of energy into attempting to make their partner change into the person they want and need them to be. In doing so, they often become increasingly angry, anxious, and resentful. (As their partner, paradoxically, continues to sail along, believing that things are okay except that their partner is inexplicably angry all the time.)
People with codependent tendencies also inadvertently take responsibility for change from their partners and accumulate it. It seems that the more they care about change, the less partners do. Over time, this imbalance of power leads to interdependent types losing much of their personal strength in relationships, because how they feel becomes completely dependent on what their partner does or does not do. (Hence the term "co-dependent.")
You believe that your happiness, sense of stability and life satisfaction are connected with whether your partner behaves according to your expectations or not.
It's an exhausting way of life and it doesn't work.
The main fear of interdependence
"If I relinquish control, everything will fall apart."
It is very frightening for people with codependent tendencies to take a step back and focus on themselves and take responsibility for their own lives.
Instead, you accuse your partner of "annoying" you and asking him to take responsibility and change. It is scary for you to leave the illusion of control, you believe that if you let go of your vigilance and command, your partner will collapse. When you let him do what he wants, you feel like your life together is falling apart.
The scariest thing about stepping out of control is realizing that your partner may never be who you want or need him to be.
As exhausting and crazy as co-dependence can be, you often feel safer to be eternally angry, but still committed to a "dream" of what your relationship might be like if only ...
Because once you give up the illusion that you have a partner under control, you give up hope that you can force him to change.
The main truth about co-dependence
"You are responsible and you can only control your own actions"
On the other hand, when a co-dependent person stops trying to control others and instead takes responsibility for himself and the quality of his life - regardless of what his partner decides to do or not to do - he immediately begins to feel happier, more confident and calmer.
Support is the key to recovery from codependence.
Individual counseling or coaching: For people stranded in codependent relationships. You might think, “Why should I go to coaching when my partner has a problem? But relationships are systems. Gaining confidence about your own formulas and new alternatives can help you regain your personal strength and create a happier and more stable life - no matter what your partner does.